It’s just paint on a wall…

I am in such a funk today. I’ve been in this weird, depressed mood for a few days now. I’m not completely unhappy, and I’m certainly not depressed, but I’m not quite sure what I am either. There are just things about where I am right now that I want so desperately to change, and I’m working to change them, but they aren’t changing at a pace that satisfies me. I’m trying to go about living the life I have at my current station and be appreciative and move forward with this life, while also striving to change my station. How does one go about reconciling this? I feel like if I keep committing ample time and energy to my current life, then I’m not putting enough effort into creating the life I want. But if I don’t work for the life I want, I’ll never get it.

That’s the struggle, the Sophie’s Choice if you will. I need to try to find a balance between to two, but I don’t know how. Parts of my current life make me so incredibly unhappy. The monotony, the unchanging, the drab. Realistically, it could be several months or longer before I find a job and move to New York, or it could be next week. You never know when things are going to happen; when opportunities are going to come along. I’ve been so wrapped up in trying to make that move and looking for jobs and reconciling what I want and where I want to be, I’ve stopped thinking about where I am now.

I’ve stopped living the life I have now. I’m afraid to start living it again, though I feel like if I do, it might make me happier. But I think it might be somewhat of a bad omen of sorts as well. Like if I paint a wall, I’m making a commitment to where I am now. I’m trying not to make commitments to where I am now. I’m trying to move forward, and painting a wall isn’t really moving forward. But then again, it’s just paint on a wall. I want to paint the walls, but then am I telling the universe I’m okay with staying where I am? Because I’m not okay with that, not even a little bit.

I want to move and grow and experience new places and things in my life. I want to get out of this funk and move forward with my life, and just live my whole life fully. I’m just not quite sure how to do that. I don’t really feel like I’m a whole person right now, and that’s something I need to work on reconciling.


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